Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
