I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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