When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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