you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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