Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
