I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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