goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
