I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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