so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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