I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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