Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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