3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
