It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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