just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
this hospital has no fireball
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
