I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
