I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
