i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
