my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
