I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
do herpes really smell.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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