just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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