i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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