I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
