My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
