and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
