Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
