corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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