You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
