I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
