I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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