Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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