So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw a hot homeless man
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
