I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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