my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
