I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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