I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Randomize
