I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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