True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
