last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
