how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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