I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
