Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
