I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
