70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
