I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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