Whod you bang
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
