The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
