I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Actions speak louder than pants.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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