I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
