Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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