I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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