Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
