I will die if light touches me.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You are a genius and a whore.
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