i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
