Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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