I faked an abortion last night.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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